Session 2
Correction Ideas That Touch the Heart

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Children need correction. It’s part of the job of parenting. But unfortunately, correction is rarely appreciated by kids. They often resist, explode with anger, or react with a bad attitude. Parents sometimes respond with their own anger, further complicating what is already a difficult process.

Of course, if children can learn to accept correction when they’re young, they will learn faster, and mature more quickly.

Correction is like a detour. It’s an interruption to the flow of life. Parents don’t like these detours because they have to be the tour guides. You’re trying to get some bills paid and your child starts whining about being bored. You sit on the couch for a few minutes of peace and quiet and your kids start fighting and require your attention. Parents have their own agendas and the detours can be frustrating at times.

A good detour requires a plan and so does correction. As you consider various strategies for correction it’s important to address your child’s heart. Sometimes we get so focused on the things our children do that we miss the heart altogether.

But God is not only interested in your child’s behavior. He is also concerned with the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, “first clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”(Matthew 23:25-26)

Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children “image management,” the ability to appear good, clean, and nice.

But when children do the right things for the wrong reasons, their hearts become hard. They learn to harbor pride and anger and selfishness inside. The long-term results are disastrous.

Introduction

Before you can adequately help your child change, you need to develop a positive attitude toward correction yourself. Correction is something children will experience all their lives. It never ends and it’s a vehicle for gaining wisdom. 

Proverbs 6:23 says “the corrections of discipline are the way to life.” Parents must accept that correction is part of the job description of a parent, an opportunity to teach wisdom, not just something to be tolerated.

In these moments parents are tempted to use anger and yelling as their primary tool for disciplining their children. In this lesson you’ll learn another way to correct. Not only will you gain some techniques, but you’ll also learn how to challenge a child on a heart level. So, first parents need to deal with their own expectations. Correction is part of the job of parenting. It’s not optional. Once you accept it, you’ll feel less frustrated and become more effective in your parenting.

Parents need a plan in order to avoid “Reactive Parenting.” Having a plan helps you see correction as an opportunity rather than an interruption.

A good correction routine addresses the heart, not just behavior.

Step 1: Use Words

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When your child needs correction, start with words. One dad says to his teenagers, “Can we just use words here? Let’s not go to the next step.” You might say to your eight-year-old who didn’t come when called, “I’m trying words first, but if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to go to the next step.”

When a child needs correction you may start by restating the instruction or by giving a warning. Don’t confuse warnings with threats.

Threat – an emotional responses usually spoken out of anger or desperation with an exaggerated or ambiguous consequence, rarely leading to a follow through. 

Examples of Threats
“If you don’t clean up these toys right now, I’m going to throw them all away!” 

“If you don’t come with me now, I’m going to leave you here!” 

Warning - restates the rule or instruction and previews the consequence. It’s not emotional, but it’s matter-of-fact.

Examples of warnings
“Jimmy, if you don’t get your shoes on now, you’re going to lose the privilege of going to your friend’s house.”

“Mary, if you’re unkind to your sister, you’ll have to work here in the kitchen with me.”

Only give one warning and don’t get trapped into using words over and over again when you really should move to the next step. There’s a time to stop talking and start acting. As you correct your children, find a careful balance that allows you to teach children that words are the first tool for correction but if they don’t work then we go to something else that will.

Many times children respond to words, but sometimes they don’t, so you have to be ready for a next step.

When your child needs correction, start with words. We start with words because that’s how God disciplines us. He starts with his Word. 

2 Timothy 3:16 says the scriptures are “useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness.” God’s Word corrects us if we listen. If not, then God also goes to the next step with us.

Responding to words of correction is an adult skill. Adults use words to correct each other regularly and change takes place. In fact, that’s the preferred form of correction for someone who is mature. Children often need more than words but don’t miss this important step. Even when you have to go to the next step, or use a consequence with your kids, talk with them. Encourage them to respond to words next time instead of waiting for further correction.

Whether your child is 3 or 15 you can say this, “I’m trying to use words here. If that doesn’t work I’m going to have to move to the next step.” We want children to learn to respond to words in correction.

Although too much dialogue in the correction process can become unproductive, the goal is to teach children to response to words. That’s where we want to be, especially as children get older.

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Step 2: A Break

A Break is a good next step for several reasons:

•	A Break is a versatile tool you can use 
	both in the home and in public.
•	A Break focuses on heart change, not 
	just behavior.
•	A Break has biblical roots and 
	exemplifies a strategy God uses in his 
	family the Church.
•	A Break moves the responsibility for 
	change to the child.

Here’s how it works. When children are disobedient, upset, or wild, tell them that they need to take a Break. With children as young as two or three years of age, have them sit in an assigned place, such as a chair, a carpet square, a hall way, or the bottom step. 

For teens you may decide that the place is not important but that life stops for the child until you talk together and reach some form of resolution. The instructions given are simple and clear. “You need to take a Break and change your heart. Come back and see me when you’re ready to talk about this.” The child learns that the objective in a Break is a changed heart.

When sending a child to take a Break you can use these words, “You need to take a Break, change your heart, and come back and see me.”

Sometimes parents have children sit down for a set amount of time. This approach misses the point. When parents set a timer then their children are serving a sentence for a crime committed and it’s the parent’s job to act as policeman to keep them there until the time is up. This kind of Time Out approach often misses the heart.

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As you use a Break with your children, you will see them make attitude adjustments, not just behavior changes. You’ll find yourself getting to the root of disobedience or immaturity and you’ll help your children make life long changes. Most importantly, right before your eyes, you will see your children begin to choose to do what’s right.

The child is sent on a mission to change the heart 

Three distinctives make the Break work:

A change of heart is what God calls “repentance” and involves these steps:

A Definition of a Changed Heart
1.	Stop fighting, calm down, and be 
	willing to talk about the problem
2.	Acknowledge wrong-doing
3.	Recognize that there’s a better way
4.	Commit to doing right 

These are all steps that a child can do. Ideally we would also like to see two other responses take place:

5.	Feel sorrow for wrong-doing
6.	Have a desire to do what’s right

Each of these parts of repentance comes from scripture. For example, step #1 comes from Jeremiah 8:6 which says that an unrepentant person is like “a horse charging into battle.” You can imagine the nostrils flared and the steam coming out of the mouth. That’s not too hard to imagine when you look at some of our kids sometimes. Children need to learn how to settle down and be willing to work on the problem.

When sending a child to take a Break you can use these words, “You need to take a Break, change your heart, and come back and see me.”

Sometimes parents have children sit down for a set amount of time. This approach misses the point. When parents set a timer then their children are serving a sentence for a crime committed and it’s the parent’s job to act as policeman to keep them there until the time is up. This kind of Time Out approach often misses the heart.

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If you ask your son to take the garbage cans out to the street and he responds with a bad attitude, then it’s time to take a Break. Attitude is a window into a child’s heart. Grumbling in children can easily grow into dissatisfaction and resentment. Children use a bad attitude to communicate their unhappiness to others. Not only is it an unhealthy response to disappointment or displeasure, but it also can be a form of manipulation, an attempt to punish parents.

“Carl, I don’t like the attitude I’m seeing. You need to go take a Break. Sit on the steps until you’re ready to come and talk to me about the problem.” 

When children do the wrong thing or respond inappropriately, send them on a mission to change the heart. You’ll see some significant change. 

In response to one of our email parenting tips, one mom wrote, 

	“I appreciated today’s tip very much. It’s an additional reinforcement for me today. About a month ago, one of your tips had a similar message ’Take a Break vs Time Out.’
My son is ten. I was then using the time out method. It seemed like he had determined to get over the ten minutes thing, real fast, with a bad attitude. However, once I started using the Break method, my son responded differently. I felt that we were beginning to connect on a deeper level regarding the problem at hand. Tyler seemed to get an opportunity to think more about the offense and also to decide if there was a better way to deal with it, while sitting at the bottom step of our stairway.
	After a few months of consistency of this method, my son is getting used to learning to manage some of his emotions better. I would even go so far as to say that there is some internalization of the process of managing his choices of behavior and of course self-control. Sometimes when he is about to say something that is unkind to me… an old pattern…he will catch himself and say, ’Mom I stopped myself, I was going to say something that was not nice, but I changed my mind!’ 
	My relationship with my son is becoming more purposeful and deeper, as I draw closer to God…as I allow him to do his work in me and lead me to his people for the support I need. Effective Parenting is part of the circle that God intends for me. Thank you for allowing yourselves to be used as his instruments in my life and many others.
				
	God Bless,
	Cynthia

We can’t expect children to work through all of the aspects of repentance alone. In fact, complete repentance requires maturity and the grace of God deeply at work in a person’s heart. Most of the time parents only require step one before a child can come out of the Break. Just settle down, stop fighting, and be willing to work on the problem. When the child returns to the parent, then a debriefing can help the child work through the other steps.

Isn’t God the one who changes a person’s heart? Yes, it’s true that God’s grace working in a person’s life produces a change of heart. But the Bible also places emphasis on a person’s own responsibility to change the heart. Over and over again we see God requiring repentance on the part of individuals. Parents can teach children about this valuable spiritual skill every day as they do the work of correction with their kids. One of the most important parts of a Break is that the child is sent on a mission to change the heart.

Even children as young as three or four years old, although not able to understand all the terminology can understand having a soft heart or removing meanness from the heart. Using a Break with children when they’re young equips them to respond rightly to mistakes and problems as they grow older. When they’re disappointed and start yelling or crying, they need to learn to take a Break and settle down. The heart is the battleground. Teaching children to get alone and address their hearts, lays the foundation for developing character and making deep and lasting changes.

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One of the distinctives of a Break is that the child takes initiative to return. If you send a child to change the heart you don’t know how long that will take. Allowing the child to initiate back is important because too short of a time may not give adequate opportunity for the Lord to work in a child’s heart. Too much time may discourage a child.

Allowing children to help determine the length of time spent in a break transfers the responsibility of change from the parent to the child. This is a significant aspect of good correction. The child must do some heart work and then take initiative to come out of the Break. 

Sometimes a child will try to return from the Break without changing the heart. You can tell because of the angry look or huffy voice. In that case, a return to the Break is necessary for more heart change to take place.

By transferring the responsibility of change to the child you, as the parent, take on a different role. Now, instead of being the policeman, keeping your child in Time Out, you are standing with open arms welcoming your child back. It’s like the prodigal son’s father, ready to have your child return to the benefits of family life.

The length of time spent in the Break isn’t the important thing. Frequently all that’s needed is a reminder and the child is ready to change the heart and try again. Other times, because of stubbornness, a change of heart may take longer, 20 minutes or several hours. Either way, the child is encouraged to initiate when The Break is over. The goal is heart change. The child needs to at least settle down and be ready to work on the problem.

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It’s amazing how quickly some children are able to change their hearts. They can be so stubborn and disagreeable one minute and then be all smiles and cooperation the next! You have them take a Break and they’re ready to return in 30 seconds, sometimes even before you’re ready to have them come back. 

Other children can be pretty stubborn sometimes and need an hour or more in the Break before they are ready to re-enter family life. 

One dad told the story of seven years old, Sarah, who was yelling at her brother. He called her upstairs to talk about the problem and she began yelling at him. He told her that her response was inappropriate and to take a Break for a bit and settle down. About a minute later she came back but was obviously not changed. Her head was tilted down, her posture was slumping and her bottom lip was sticking out. Dad didn’t even have to talk with her. He just told her what I saw, “Sarah, I can tell you’re not ready yet. The way you’re standing and the expression on your face all tell me that you still have a problem in your heart. I want you to go back to your Break until you’re ready to come out with a changed heart.”

 This time she stayed away for about 20 minutes and when she returned she was obviously different. In fact, Dad took her head in his hands and looked deep into her eyes and said, “I can see your heart in there. It looks pretty nice right now. It looks like you’re ready to talk about this.” Sarah giggled and then they continued to talk about the problem. Dad explained to her that she could not yell at her dad. That was disrespectful even if she is angry. They also talked about the right responses she could have when she gets angry with her brother. Dad used a Break that day to help Sarah change her heart.

The child who continues to come back from the Break without a changed heart may need a timer but be sure to say something like this. “Because you keep coming out of the Break without a changed heart, I’m going to set a timer for 10 minutes. You must stay in the Break for at least 10 minutes. When the timer rings though, that doesn’t mean you can return unless your heart is changed. So, change the heart, wait for the timer, and when you’re ready, come and see me.”

The child helps determine the length of time spent in the Break
The motivation to come out of the Break is that the child 
is missing out on the benefits of family life

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Five-year-old Susie pushes her friend at the park. Mom may say, “Susie, you’re being mean again. I’d like you to sit under this tree and take a Break. Change your heart and come back and see me when you’re ready.”

What’s Susie’s motivation to come out of the Break? She’s missing out on park time. 

The same thing happens when you put your child in a Break. His motivation to return is that he’s missing out. 

Teens have this ability to yell at you one minute and then ask for money the next. You might say, “I feel uncomfortable with you asking me to take you to the mall after the way you talked to me when you told me to leave your room an hour ago. We need to deal with that problem first.” 

Sometimes a child will refuse to come out of the Break. This too can be a form of manipulation. Part of the solution requires time. Expecting a Break to work in five minutes is unreasonable for many children. It may be difficult for you as a parent to see your child unhappy. Waiting for a child to come back can be challenging for a parent but the heart work accomplished during the Break is very important.

Of course, some children, especially when just learning the Break, need help coming out. So encouraging them out may be appropriate. “Remember the next thing that needs to happen is that you come and see me and then you can go play.” Or, “I’m ready to talk about this when you are. Why don’t we deal with this now and then you can go play again.”

All families have privileges associated with living in that family like playing with toys or friends, watching TV or playing outside, talking on the phone or using the computer. Some children view these things as rights, not as privileges. They somehow feel that they are entitled to all of the benefits of family life. 

The Break helps children see that life’s privileges are lost when you do the wrong things. The principle is this:

You can’t enjoy the privileges of this family unless you’re willing to abide by the principles that make this family work.

Children need this valuable lesson. It forces them to readjust their hearts. Children, as do many adults, can go around believing things in their hearts that aren’t true. They develop a paradigm of how life works. When a parent takes a stand and corrects a child with a Break, that child must reconsider the paradigm. Some children can be quite stubborn at times and a change of heart takes time. A Break is an excellent tool to force children to consider their hearts.

The Break concept comes from Scripture. It is actually modeled after the way God expects his children to be disciplined in his Church. Matthew 18, 1 Corinthians 5, and 2 Corinthians 2 all give teaching about handling someone in the church who is unrepentant. If people don’t respond to correction with words then they are excommunicated or put out of the assembly so that they can’t enjoy the benefits of fellowship for a time until they are repentant. Then they are welcomed back into the fellowship.

A Break is separation from involvement in family life, not separation from unconditional love. This is a very important distinction here. You shouldn’t withdraw your love or acceptance from your children. You simply don’t allow them to participate in family life until they address their heart problem.

This isn’t just a plan for young children. Older children also need to learn to take a Break and address their hearts. Your teenager may not have to sit in the hall but all privileges are suspended until you address the problem together.

The Break isn’t designed to be a punishment. It’s part of a good discipline process. As children learn to take a Break in family life, they’ll learn the self-discipline to get out of a situation when they’re tempted to do the wrong thing or say something that’s inappropriate. The Break is an adult skill. When children grow up learning how to change their hearts they can be much more productive and successful as adults.

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But You Don’t Know My Kids

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My young child won’t go to a Break
	Overtime children become accustomed to the Break but initially you can expect some resistance. One mom told us this story as she decided to teach a child she was working with how to take a break.
	“I remember working with a three year old we’ll call Markie. I was watching children for a Bible Study and Markie at one point needed to be corrected. I told Markie that he needed to take a Break. I told him to sit quietly in a particular spot and then come talk to me after he settled down and was ready to talk calmly. 
	“Markie, unfortunately had no intention of sitting still and quiet. I had to help him. I sat down on the floor with Markie on my lap. I put my arms around him and just held him firmly until he settled down. I calmly said to him, “I’ll relax my hold when you stop fighting.” I continued to hold him and repeat these words in a soothing tone until he settled down and stopped fighting me. When Markie relaxed, I relaxed my hold on him, and we were able to talk together. 
	“Working with children this way actually helps them gain self-control and learn to settle down. Over time the resistance decreases and children develop the ability to calm themselves down.
	“As with Markie, your young child may require that you sit in the Break or continue to put your child back into the Break place several times. This routine may be difficult to get started but in the end it’s worth the work.”

My child stays is a Break for a long time.
	Sometimes children brood in a Break or they even try to punish parents by refusing to come back. In most cases you’ll wait them out until they’re ready. But if you think they’re stuck and need some coaching then you might want to make some comments like, “Remember, you can come out when you’re ready.” Or, “when you get done in the Break and talk with me then you can go back out and play.”
	Some children need help coming out of the Break and your encouragement may be just what’s needed to help them. If you’re just starting the Break your child may be hesitant to come out because she thinks that she’s going to get a lecture, or have to listen to your anger. Now, you’re changing the pattern but new habits take time to develop. Coaxing your child out of the Break may be necessary as you’re developing the Break as a new routine.

My child comes back too early or doesn’t have a change of heart.
	Some children want to return before they’re ready. In that case you’ll have to send them back to the Break again. You might say, “I can see that your heart isn’t changed and that you haven’t settled down. You need to go back to the Break and settle down, before we can talk about the problem.”
	The child who continues to come back without a changed heart might be trying to manipulate you and get out of learning this routine. In this case you could use a timer but don’t just have the child serve a sentence of time. Rather say, “Because you keep coming back and you’re not ready, I’m going to have you sit in the Break for ten minutes. You have to stay there at least until the timer goes off. Then you need to measure your heart and if you’re ready, come and see me. But if you’re not ready then don’t come back until you’ve settled down and are really ready to talk about it.”

But my children are teenagers. Can I still have them take a Break?
	Teens sometimes try to ignore their problems and pretend that everything is fine. You need to communicate that life can’t continue on until they work out a particular problem. “You can’t go out, or talk on the phone, or be on the computer until you deal with this.” Teens often don’t connect how their inappropriate behaviors affect others. They think they can just continue on after mistreating someone. By stopping the process you can teach them a valuable lesson.
	You may choose to have your teen take a Break in the hall or on the porch, but often the Break simply means that life stops until he or she is willing to talk with you. Privileges are suspended. 
	Teens sometimes need to be forced into dialogue about offenses. That’s not easy but it teaches them that conflict leads to resolution. We all know adults who avoid talking about problems or who just go along after offenses assuming that it’s somebody else’s problem. We’re teaching teens a pattern now that they’ll use for the rest of their lives. We want to equip them with relational success principles. It all starts with learning to take a Break and address their own hearts.

Many parents, at first, question whether this plan will work. They can imagine the fits and temper tantrums, the defiance, and long battles. It is true that the Break takes some time to develop. Children often resist it. In fact, the Break is probably one of the most difficult of all the routines you’ll learn from this material. But it’s worth it if you’ll work on it. 

Here are some common objections and solutions:

My child who goes to a Break but has a tantrum while there.
	Sometimes a child sent to a Break throws himself down, starts yelling and screaming and says mean things. Be careful in these moments that you don’t enter into the battle with emotional intensity or by engaging in dialogue. When parents try to talk the child out of this response the anger often escalates. 
	If the child has a temper tantrum or is defiant but goes anywhere near the Break place, just leave him alone and wait until he settles down. Remember that the next thing that must happen is that the child must return to you for a debriefing. You’ll be able to deal with the problem more effectively then.
	After the child settles down, have a debriefing about the initial problem, then send the child back to the Break to practice a better response. You might say, “Okay, I think we’ve worked through the problem here but before I can let you go we need to talk about how you responded when I told you to take a Break. You yelled and screamed. That wasn’t right. So, before I can let you go back and play, I’m going to send you to a Break right now and I’d like you to show me that you can take a Break the right way.”
	Some children will respond poorly with another tantrum. Don’t be deterred. Remember that you’re working on the heart. A willingness to accept correction is essential to success. The work you do to teach a child to respond to a Break has long-term benefits. Hang in there to teach your child this new routine and you’ll be able to use it often with success.

My child follows me around the house and refuses to go to the Break.
	You may say to a child, “I want you to take a Break” and she says, “NO, I don’t want to take a break! I want to talk about it now!” You start walking away and she follows you around the house. The goal of this kind of behavior is to badger you and bait you to get into involved in a fight. Don’t do it!
	Don’t engage in battle with your kids because as soon as you do, you take the focus off the heart and put it on a relational struggle between parent and child. You want to say, “Look, you’re in a Break right now and life is not going to continue for you until you do what I said and go sit down. I’m not going to fight with you.” 

	With an older child you might say, “We’re not going to live this way anymore. Your badgering isn’t going to work. You’re not going over to your friend’s house. You’re not going to be watching TV. You’re not going to have any of those privileges until you’re sitting down in the Break place. Then you can come back.”

	The Break takes work to develop in family life but it pays huge dividends. It’s the kind of tool you can use in a number of places, but the real benefit is that the child accepts responsibility for changing the heart.
	When we teach children how to change their hearts, we give them a tremendous gift. Too often this is lacking in children. It’s a valuable skill that will benefit them for years to come.

	Let’s look at a Bible story from the book of Jonah. In Jonah chapter 1 it says, “And the word of the Lord came to Jonah and said, ’Get up and go to Ninevah.’ But like a three-year-old in a grocery store, Jonah ran the other way. So, God said, ’I’m going to have to discipline this guy. What technique should I use. I know I’ll use a Break. Where should I have him sit?’ And God created a large fish to swallow Jonah. 
	Did you know how long it took Jonah to change his heart? Three days. Can you imagine? I hope it doesn’t take your kids that long to change their hearts. But Jonah did change his heart and God commanded the fish to come along side the land and spit Jonah out.
	In Jonah chapter 3 it says, “And the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time and said, ‘Get up and go to Ninevah.’ ” I like that verse because God had to tell Jonah twice to do something. Sometimes I have to tell my kids more than once to follow instructions. I’m in good company.
	The very next verse says, “And Jonah obeyed.” Aren’t you glad he obeyed? I like to tell kids this story and then I ask them “What do you think God would have done to Jonah if he wouldn’t have obeyed that time?” And we brainstorm about how God, with his awesome powers, would motivate Jonah to change his heart. Maybe creepy crawly things. Maybe a tornado. Then I say to kids, “Your parents have a lot of ideas about how to change your heart that I don’t think you want to find out about. It’s best to learn to respond to a Break.
	Hidden within obedience are the secret ingredients kids need to be successful. Correction helps children learn some valuable things. A Break is a key way to help children change their hearts.

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Concluding Remarks
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It would be unreasonable to expect a lazy child to instantly change to a diligent one. When taking a Break children are expected to change the heart by either settling down for further instruction or by acknowledging the wrong and having a willingness to learn what to do right next time. 

The Break isn’t a tool you’ll use at bedtime or as you’re trying to get out the door in the morning. In those moments you might just express disapproval and go on, but other times you’ll be able to do more significant correction that touches the heart. The Break is that kind of tool. 

If you’re just starting to use a Break in your family, sit down with your child and you say to him, “You’re getting older now and it’s time to start a new kind of discipline in our family. In fact, part of this I think you’re going to like because it gives you greater control over how long the discipline lasts. We’re going to use a Break when there’s a problem and I want you to know what that looks like.” Describe what you’re going to do and what you expect out of this new discipline approach. 

In fact, with younger children you may even say, “We’re going to practice it here right now so you know what it looks like. Let’s imagine that we’re having a problem. What kind of a problem do you think we could have? Let’s pretend that you hit your brother. Let’s just pretend. Don’t do it. Let’s say I walk into the room and see what’s happening and I’ll tell you to take a Break right over there by the couch. Go ahead and pretend you’re taking a Break. I want you to decide when you’re coming out.” 

Have your child sit in a Break place and come back to you. “Good! Good practice! We’re going to do that later on.” Don’t wait too long to practice again, either in a simulated situation or in real life.

The Break takes work to develop in family life but it pays huge dividends. It’s the kind of tool you can use in a number of places, but the real benefit is that the child accepts responsibility for changing the heart.

When we teach children how to change their hearts, we give them a tremendous gift. Too often this is lacking in children. It’s a valuable skill that will benefit them for years to come.

A complete change of heart takes a lifetime, but small, day-to-day changes accomplish this greater work. Small steps of right thinking and attitude adjustments contribute to life long patterns.

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